To write a Eulogy

I have so many posts that I’ve started but they’re still in draft. I’ll post them later. I just got home from work. Yes I’m still living with my grandparents. So it’s still an hour and 15 minutes to get to my job. Thankfully I live in such a beautiful area I really don’t mind the drive or the traffic. I came home cleaned up dog P that was on the floor tried to feed the dog but she was too frantic to to even look at her food dish and after petting her for 10 minutes All she wants to do is lay next to me. I’m sitting in the living room floor next to the AC unit drinking a glass of wine, still in my work clothes. I was hoping to get home before my grandpa did so I could take my grandma to the hospital. He went to city a few hours away to run an errand with one of his good friends and go to huge fleamarket. Of course this is the day that she needs to go to the hospital. Last time she needed to go to the hospital it was 11 o’clock and I had just got home after working and going to the gym and I had to be at school at nine in the morning. I just wasn’t up for an evening in the hospital. I felt bad because I know my papa wasn’t feeling well. I was hoping to sort of make up for that today. But he got home before I did. It’s slowly hitting me how much they are both deteriorating I mean they’ve been deteriorating for a long time but it’s just progressively getting worse and you never know when the moments going to come. My grandma is like a medical anomaly though she has had so many random things happened to her body so many different surgeries After certain point I kind of just decided oh you know this is just another thing that’s happening she’ll get through it. The sad thing is though , is how much pain she’s in. I don’t know if I wrote it already but I Mize will put it down again I’ve decided that she is carrying my pain and a lot of pain burdens from her family. You know she had five miscarriages before she had my dad. After that she had a full on hysterectomy at age 27. The doctor said her uterus looked like it was cottage cheese it was filled with holes. Coming from a healer’s perspective it’s very interesting to hear what has manifested in her uterus at such a young age. So much ancestral Wounds were ripped out of her but not before she gave birth to my dad. And all the other medical things that of happened in our life are still adding up at age 72. She’s a trooper. I have to give her credit for not giving up and persevering. We sat down on Monday and wrote out her well. She’s planning I think she feels it coming. I’m pretty sure her and my grandpa are going to be that couple that like in three months one of them is going to die after the other one dies kind of thing. I’m pretty sure my grandma’s going to go first. I don’t know what the fuck I’m gonna do with my grandpa after that. If me and my brother are talking by then we definitely will start then. I feel like my angels and my ancestors are making sure that I’m going to be ready to fully commit to handling my life on my own before they leave., Because somehow when things go awry I always end up back home. Suffering from borderline personality disorder makes it really hard to be 100% stable. I feel my foundation getting stronger with my career, I feel my close friends getting closer. As I said down on the floor I realize that I’m probably going to end up sitting on the floor and drinking a glass of wine when she passes away because I’m going to be so overwhelmed. That’s what we did when my aunt died. her six year anniversary of her passing was on the 10th. After that is when my grandma really started getting sick and just has kept getting worse and worse. She didn’t used to be sick like this all the time it was more the neuromuscular disorder she has called charco Marie tooth that has debilitated her and her fiber myalgia and her arthritis. Typical things that occurs these days with people. Her bones are very strong she’s never had diabetes. Her heart for the most part is very strong. I’ve been thinking of writing my grandparents eulogy. It’s usually best to write it before they die in my opinion because it’s not as hard. Old news, but I still miss my ex. Still crying almost every night. As I recognize all these wonderful things that are happening for me in my life right now with my career and also the difficult things that I’m experiencing in my life like not being close to my siblings right and having my grandparents health deteriorate so severely, I’m so sad that he’s not here to experience these moments with me. These are things that you want to call someone up and tell them right? He’s the one I want to call. The one I want to kiss when I get home after a good day and hold me when I cry about tough ones like these. I hope he’s ok. I’ve been worried about him after our last two conversations…. I think I’ll call him tomorrow… I’ve been trying not to reach out too much but I’m worried about him and I fucking miss him so badly

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Isn’t that sad

Do you have nervous ticks you do? I’ve always been bad with biting my nails off, then it switched to picking them around the edges and legit to the point where my nails are uneven all the time because I’ll pick the sides off, I bit them so much the nail bed it’s permanently damaged and one of them always breaks if it gets too long so I always have to keep it filed. I mean I always keep them filed anyway since I’m a massage therapist but this one extra short. It’s sad. I enjoyed having my fake nails for the month that I did. My one nail almost got back to a full nail. I should be more embarrassed by how horrible my nails look but I guess I’m so used to it they don’t faze me. I can only imagine the look of horror when people who do constant up keep on their nails see mine. Lol. It’s sad. It’s a reminder if my anxiety. That there is still some state of panic in me. The reason I’m bringing this is is I’m laying in bed smelling te shirt my ex gave me to take home from Europe. I obsess over him right now. It’s a BPD thing to obsess. Which I didn’t think I’m too bad with but I’m constantly into a guy. Idk if that’s like an insecurity or co depended issue that has developed with my BPD or if the issue is it’s own thing. It’s kind of hard to tell the lines of what was there already. I guess it’s a symptom? I bought him a shirt when I was at the music festival I went to. I think shirts are gunna be out little thing. I told him over whatssap, it’s like messenger but it’s like free if you use it with WiFi or something. I told him on my way home yesterday. I’ve been checking my phone pretty much every few hours to see if he’s even read it. Isn’t that sad. I need to be cleaning my room and do my meditation but I just don’t have the energy. All I want to do is look at our pictures and listen to the one voice mail I have of him. I’m hoping getting back on track with school and now that me and the DJ did are officially over I can focus more on me. *sigh* there’s so much potential for growth this year…fingers crossed the massage room I’m going to look at tomorrow is a good fit for me. I’d h sharing it with a lady who’s been in Buisness for 13 years. It’s located in a good shopping area. A place where people with money like to shop. It’s only 250/$ a month to rent the space and times/days are flexible. I have make up class tomorrow too. I think I’ll workout after make up class and come home and clean my room and do all the things to get ready for my first day back in the massage field. Making moves. Slowly but surly. But for now brushing my teeth is about all I can manage this evening. The rest can wait.

Calling all humans with vaginas

So… I got waxed today. I usually think of my vagina as a separate part of me. It’s like this portal into other worlds. It brings forth life. Aka babies. Some part of me never sees myself prepared for a child with all the distinction going on in my mind I just don’t see my self having room to help another soul in this life I mean fuck maintain good a relationship with another partner has proven to be impossible thus far. At this point I cut out all my family except my grandparents. Garnet my adopted mom and actual father have passed RIP. I’d like to think I’m using this time to reflect and grow. Sometimes you have to go away and heal to maintain a new level of relationships so I seem to keep repeating. Anyway back to my relationship with my vagina. I was sitting in the floor stretching with a skirt on ( no panties) and there was my vagina. And I was like huh… you know your not so bad after all. I mean I’ve had people tell me before that it’s beautiful- I even had a legit photographer that specializes in nude yoga photography that I had a beautiful yoni. And I have seen a handful myself. I was like ok whatever it’s not bad I guess. I don’t really think of it as beautiful it’s really kind of strange to look st not as weird as a penis but still. The posts I’ve seen in the last few years showing how fruit looks like vaginas really inspired me to look at my Toni in a new light. And then I went to this cervical wellness circle and I had a craving for an even deeper connection with my yoni. As I go through my healing journey in school I’m finding even more appreciation for her. The goddess power is strong. And when I got home from the festival yesterday I fingered my self twice and was soooo into into it. Not even wanting a dude in a thought just really loving the way it felt o touch myself. But of course my ex does always come into mind. I’m sure most of you think I sound crazy but… maybe most of you don’t need to try and find this way to accept yourself like I do? To help heal my root chakra. To help heal my female family trauma, to love this portal, to trust it, myself, our connection to bring another life into this world someday?

Weekend from hell

Wellllll the weekend was worse then I could of imagined it being. I didn’t even break up with guy and he almost submitted himself into a hospital… I mean as if I didn’t have insentive to break up with him before I do now. I’ve never seen someone act this psychotic. I wish he had left like he was threatening. And I mean don’t get me wrong I had a lot of fun still for how crazy he was acting. It was SO embarrassing. He affected the whole group not just me and him. We fought every day except today. I slept in my friends tent for two night of a trip then in our friends trailer she. They showed up. I slept one night with him-last night. And I hardly slept because he snores all night and I didn’t have ear plugs. We had sex once and I felt like I had to force my self through it. It was awful. But thankfully he doesn’t last long. And then last night we tried to have sex but I couldn’t I just started crying because I missed my ex so much. Dude was pretty faded so he just passed out waiting for me to tell him why I was crying. The level of emotion instability that occurred from him over the weekend was mind blowing. And I never want to experience that again. I’m going to try and meet up with him tomorrow to break up. Because I’m so over it. I’m glad my phone was dead last night because I probably would of tried calling my ex and confessing my love to him. I was legit thinking I would move to Europe to live my life with him. Drunk me was a little extra. I couldn’t wait to come home and wear his shirt. To get the duck away from dude. But besides dudes freak outs I had an amazing time with my friends and the music was epic. I ate so much food and spent way too much money and feel like I’ve died twice but I’m definitely doing that again next year. It was all worth it. And no boys. That was a terrible idea.

Depressed fun

It’s weird being happy when you’ve got a heavy heart. I feel like I’m faking it. I don’t mind though it’s a bit liberating. I’m pretty depressed and not sure how to care for anyone’s feelings when I’m so sad. I find myself isolating myself more and more. I wonder if this is me preparing for a new chapter or just ending it all. Scary thought. Yet here I am still moving forward planning and trying to take care of myself and others around me. I cut out dairy and meat again 🤘. Gunna order my mood stabilizer supplements and vitamins I need to feel energized. I’ve been so drained and I also haven’t been in my health routine. I started training for a half marathon yesterday. I’m going to my first music festival for four days with one of my close friends the DJ boy friend and his best friend this weekend. I wish I could say I was excited but I’m planning on leaving him after and I keep thinking about how he has no idea and I have to push myself through the weekend of being close to him and having sex when really I don’t want to be around anyone. I don’t want anyone to touch me. I wish I could just put the music festival in head phones and get lost in the sound. I want our friendship to remain. But I know how devastated he will be and I have no idea if he will ever be able to face me. I’m glad he finally went to see a psychiatrist to get on anxiety medication. They are setting him up with therapy and a stress support group. So really It couldn’t be a better time to tell him I don’t want to maintain a sexual relationship. Except we are going to the same music festival in two months and he often DJs in my area and we know all of the same people in my music group. Soooo that will be interesting. Hopefully two months will mend him enough that we can be around each other for the festival. I miss my ex. We have remained in contact since we departed. He said it’s been hard for him too seeing me just for a night and not knowing when we will see each other again. I’m hoping with time we will fade apart but I honestly don’t think we will. I hope he keeps growing like I’m trying to. So we can come back to each other. I fear he will always have my heart….

A day to rest. Just kidding idk what that is

Decided to take a couple days off to decompress after diving right into work post-field trip. Spent the day receiving a wonderful massage from my new favorite local massage therapist, and giving two, one as A belated Mother’s Day massage to my devoted grandma, who’s done her best to go above and beyond with making sure I have some sort of stability in my life and to a dear friend who since I’ve known him going on ohhhh….four years now has also done the same. I start massaging again full time next week At a local spa. I was terrified to work at a place like that for a long time. I didn’t think was a good enough therapist. I remember watching some of my fellow grads get hired at the spa. Wondering if I’d ever trust myself enough to even think of applying. (This was pre advanced program and before The spa I worked at whole living out of my home county) I moved away and gained more knowledge then I know what to do with and had the opportunity to work at a great spa while being gone. And then I came home and took my time coming into myself here. Longer then I wanted but I’m impatient. After two months I pretty much gave up on the spa responding and decided I’d have to figure something else out and then a week later they called me. It went very quickly from there and I’m so excited to finally get started after being away with traveling. I miss massaging and doing energy work with people regularly ❤️. It makes me a better person to myself I lose myself a little when I don’t utilize my ability.

My best friend and my last night in France

So much has happened in the last two weeks and there’s so many things that I could talk about. The main things I want to focus on I think in this post are my last night in France and overall the experience I have had spending two weeks with my best friend. It was definitely an experience of a lifetime. As we have grown apart and come together many times in the relationship that we have had for the last 15 years this trip really did show the endurance and patience and love we have for each other. You know despite the fact that I have been hurt by her in my past and I’m sure I’ve heard her as well, we have been able to overcome those pains. And despite what other people might say and judge about maintaining my friendship with this person there are reasons that those people are not in my life anymore and she is. And not just her her whole family. I had a few moments of realizations of how much I really do love her and her family more so speaking about her mother right now because I mean my only mother figure was my grandma and of course My other adopted mom but between my best friends mom and my adopted mom my best friends mom has been there and taking care of me more and hold space for me more than my adopted mom. We spent early mornings of not sleeping the night before crying about what it’s like to be so different visually compared in our society to each other and how old my best friend has had a lot more trials and tribulations because of her physical aperient’s versus mine and how painful it is for me to except that because I don’t feel the world like that and I forgot that shit can be a lot harder for her. Can you hear her be so raw and real about how people look at her and judge her based off of her appearance is really heartbreaking for me and honestly hasn’t been something I wanted to except but it hit me hard on this trip. We spent pretty much day in and day out together and definitely gone on each other’s nerves and because of that were able to be so open and honest about how we are feeling in the moment. I can honestly say that I would choose spending two weeks with her over anyone in my life at this point. These two weeks have really shown how much we balance each other out and how much we are there for each other when we need each other and I’m so grateful that we are able to communicate in a way that we need and also be patient when we are able to communicate what we need and that we were both able to help each other figure out what we needed when we didn’t know. I don’t know how many of you all can say that you have that with your best friend but I sure hope you can. I’m so lucky that we were able to find each other when we did to save each other from this cultural religious background that we were forced into at a very young age and be the Black sheep of the crowd when our minds we’re too strong to be molded to societies perception or a religious perception of what is right and wrong. The love I have for this woman goes deeper than the majority of people that I’ve encountered in my life. I’m so grateful to have her. I’ll probably give you more details on all the experiences we had but that’s pretty much the just of what I’ve gathered of us spending two weeks together. The next thing that I want to talk about is my last night in France spending it with my ex-husband. Actually I don’t even know if he’s my ex husband yet because I’m pretty sure there still paperwork that needs to come in the mail and it takes like six months and we’ve only been separated for 4 1/2 or something like that. It feels like a lifetime of separation and also only a few days. It’s really weird. I didn’t think I was going to be able to talk about this so soon but I really want to express this while it’s still fresh and raw so I can look back on this. I don’t think that I will forget the feelings because I remember the love I have for him and the moments that I’ve had with him more than anyone person I’ve ever been with in my life. I never ever want to forget the feelings that I have with him and then I have for him. I truly and still believe that we are supposed to be together at some time and I future but not right now as badly as we both may want to. Coming together for an evening in France was a reassurance of that for both of us. I didn’t think that I would be strong enough to separate myself from someone that I loved but I knew it wasn’t healthy for me to be with them at that time. Not until I met my ex. I never understood what it was like to be on the other side of letting someone go so they can grow. I know that I’ve been on the other side where I’ve needed other people to let me grow but this was the first time where I could identify that I also needed to let this person go. I know everyone has their own perceptions on what it means to be in a relationship and what a marriage is all about and I think it’s different for everyone. But I believe for him and I staying together would have created more tension and toxicity then had we separated when we did.I think it was safe and healthy for us to separate when we did. I still miss him every day and I still remind myself of the fucking shit that I put myself through an allowed to happen when he was with me but I also know that he tolerated a lot and went through a lot while I was starting to uncover the layers of emotional trauma I had been burying inside of me when him and I met. I didn’t know I was an addict when I met him and I didn’t understand where my frustrations and pains were coming from and he was a mirror for me maybe not always in a healthy way but he was. I’ve pretty much done a good job not communicating with him up until I was in Europe and then we started texting a little more and we had a phone call that lasted about an hour which was the longest we had talkedI think since last time I saw him we haven’t had that long of a conversation over the phone. Between him getting caught up with family shit and just not communicating and then me reverting because I needed him to communicate with me, and I decided that communicating just wasn’t a good idea. So it was nice to have that hour long conversation. I wasn’t even sure that I was going to get to see him because he unexpectedly told me that he may be going to a film festival in France and I told him just don’t do it just wait and thankfully the universe worked out that he didn’t go when it was my last day in France. We left from Barcelona to France and not nights she and I had discussed grabbing dinner and coming back to my Airbnb and spending the night together. Unfortunately there was a lot of miscommunication about where my location was to where he was staying in France so it ended up that I didn’t even get to see him until 1030, mind you I had to be up at 5:30 in the morning to get ready to head to the airport. I spent about two hours waiting for him to get to the Airbnb he he took a train to the wrong location because I was confused on where our location was so I sent him a wrong address. I cried the anticipation of seeing him head and when I was catching my flight to France and I couldn’t sleep on the flight to France which was about an hour and a half that I needed. And then catching the cab to our Airbnb took about a half hour with traffic and then the Airbnb host gave us the wrong code for the key box so we were stuck outside the Airbnb for like A half hour. Mind you he was supposed to be at the Airbnb address that I gave him by 8 o’clock and it was seven 3745 when we got into Airbnb and he wasn’t even on his way, and I was like why the fuck are you not on your way yet. It kind of upset me and frustrated me but then I was like you know what I still need to take a shower and get ready so it all works out anyway it’s fine just get here finally after taking a train to the wrong location and then. Overing to the right location, and then 10 minutes after he said he was going to arrive iMessage him and he says that he’s here. I think I looked outside the Airbnb door about four times before he was actually there and I receive that message. I couldn’t eat that night at all I was so anxious. The apartment we were staying in was gated and the gate was open and when you look outside the gate there’s a roundabout and I’ll never forget walking outside of the gate onto the street and looking to my left and seeing him across the street of the roundabout looking at his phone probably wondering where I was and I just watched him stand there. I recognize the sweatshirt he was wearing I bought it for him and the pants too he had his haircut he’s so tall, dark curly hair and his cute French shoes LOL. I just didn’t want that moment to end because I knew that that was the start of the end of the night With him. I just wanted to stand there and look at him.I enjoyed myself so much on this trip and it was so surreal to me like something out of a fucking love movie that I was ending my night and my trip in France with him. I couldn’t believe it was real. I couldn’t believe I was actually seeing him in person but hearing his voice in person I’m looking at is a big beautiful brown eyes in person and his little curly curl lock that hangs lower then the rest. Fucking much. He did the cute little French kisses it we walked halfway to the Dority stopped and he grabbed my face but he started kissing my four head Poupee cheeks of my eyelids. I miss his kisses so much I kissed him back and I laughed and he laughed and we held each other tight before we walked in the door. I don’t even know how many times we told each other that we loved each other that night or how many times we kissed each other or how many times we told each other how much we missed each other. But I didn’t feel like I could say it enough. I feel like we had so much time to make up for it such a short period of time. He brought a bottle of champagne for being my best friend and she stayed up with us while we drink the bottle and he drank like I have a bottle of a leader of rum. Which was really weird for me because he hardly ever drink when we were together so big around him drunk was kind of awkward for me. I remember I didn’t quite feel close enough to him so I pulled the store right next to where he was standing so I could just hug him while we stood there.He kept grabbing me and holding me and kissing me. Eventually My best friend went to bed. End it was just him and I. We spent the majority of the night in bed together. Spending a lot of time having sex a lot of time just holding each other there was moments where we were sitting and talking and crying he cried because he just wants to make sure that I’m good and that I know how special I am that is never had a love like this before that he loves me so much that he’s trying so hard to be the best version of himself to love himself like he knows I love him. For me to love myself like I don’t know that he loves me. It struck this cord of fear at me the way he was talking, it’s totally like I was never going to see him again. Like something was gonna happen. I don’t know I’m sure it was nothing but just that thought broke my heart he has such a beautiful mind and he’s so misunderstood sometimes. I remember at one point I told him that it’s been such a privilege to look into his eyes it to see it to his soul. I miss his humor so much I miss the way his eyes clinch when he kisses me. I miss touching his face and feeling his big checks. I miss the way that he expresses and how much he loves me through his body tells me how much she loves me when he’s fucking me. I told him that I keep hoping it a few weeks but maybe I won’t miss them so much and I won’t hurt so much in my heart, but the pain just doesn’t go away it my heart just isn’t filling the void. He tells me that I need to fill that void with myself, I tell him that I don’t have a choice because nobody else can fill that void. You know I have these two other bed that are in my life right now who are so in love with me and they both know that I am going through a huge heart break it they have so much love to give me as I cannot even think about giving it to them. Pretty much decided after last night that is much is I want them to fill this void it’s not their place they want to give me their heart but I don’t want it. they want to save me but I don’t fucking need them to save me. I didn’t fucking asked for it either I don’t want to have the responsibility of someone else’s heart. I’m in no position for that. I just need to heal my mind and body.